Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 5 - Not Born To Run

Once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
- Charles M. Schulz

I've mentioned before that just when I seem to be making headway in terms of achieving some semblance of physical fitness, or even a modicum thereof, my body seems to rebel. I've referred in the past to this as an 'intrasomatic conspiracy'. Well, it seems that having gotten off on the right foot by going to the gym and losing about 10 pounds, insurrection is afoot; my hip is definitely not hopping.

It started the other morning. I woke up, went into the kitchen, made some coffee, and stared into silence waiting for the first few dregs of java hued droplets to drip ... and then it happened. Pop went the 'crunch'. It's kind of hard to explain, but my left leg sort of felt like it had attempted to migrate to a no-loitering zone. There was a mild pain, nothing to shout about, but something was definitely off. The coffee began to percolate and off I hobbled to a nook in the wall to brace myself for ... well, dislocation I had imagined. So for the last week or so, I've felt like an old dog with rickety hips. You know, the ones they usually hook up to wheels before they put them down.

It's funny because just a month ago I was asking one of the gym trainers about increasing the intensity of my gym routine. Specifically, I had asked about running on the treadmill, instead of walking, or fast walking, as I do. What I was concerned about was whether there was a certain speed at which it becomes unsafe to no longer walk briskly, because your gait resembles more than that of a three-legged frog in a hurry - sort of as if your appendages are about to go flying off in different directions. Anyway, I thought it might be time to run with the rest of the gym pack, huffing, puffing, and sweating like world class sprinters.

However, the trainer suggested I not run until I lost more weight. She mentioned something about heart attacks, dropping dead and corpses shooting off treadmills hitting other members. Yes, I concurred, we wouldn't want to risk injuring the other gym members. So instead of running, I was instructed to increase the incline of the treadmill to provide for a greater workout. I guess I should be happy; things are looking up, at least by five percent.

Yes, it did begin to bother me that after 3 months of going to the gym, I still get winded running for a bus or walking uphill. Ok, maybe 'winded' is not the best description. I feel more like like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, sort of like that 'chestburster' creature in the Alien movie. Get the picture? I think you do.

Now to be honest, running was never my strong suit. Growing up, I never really liked playing basketball because of all the nonstop running and jumping ad nauseum. Playing football was much more to my liking; it was stop and go. You might run all out for one play, then you stop, re-huddle, discuss things for a while, and then catch your breath. Playing baseball was even better, especially if you played the outfield, which I did. There was plenty of time out there to relax, mull over your existence, decide what to eat for dinner and even attain nirvana, if you were so inclined. Yes, I guess I was not born to run. In fact, I think my ability to do sit-ups is suspect, as well.

Let's be honest here, it's commonly understood that as we age, we all slow down. Joints go pop, tendons turn brittle, muscles knot, arthritis sets in, skin sags, and bones rattle and crack. Gravity mocks us as it pulls us closer to the ground as if to suggest that perhaps we were born to slack... or at least, return to the earth and dust from whence we sprang.

Not one of my best days.
Shades of "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."

So my mysterious hip ailment has curtailed my morning gym regimen to some extent. I suspect it may be lower back related, so I'm doing some stretches an orthopedic gave me when I turned 30, the dawning of lower back pain in humans. I'm still plodding along at the gym, albeit at a slower pace and with less frequency than before. I determined not to give in to my body's subversive self sabotage, and our biological propensity for senescence - a fancy word for aging. See? You're never too old to learn something new ... until dementia and senility set in. See? You're never too old to learn something new ... until dementia and senility set in. See? You're never too old to learn something new ... until dementia and senility set in.

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PS. Thanks for reading. Do you have a handle on where your mysterious aches and pains stem from, or do you just need a handle to rise to the occasion... or any occasion? How do you deal with aging? Are you determined to age gracefully, or  ... are you  never too old to learn something new until dementia and senility set in ... uh, what was I saying and why does my hip hurt? 

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Previous 'Intrasomatic Conspiracy' Posts:

Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 1 - An Ill Wind Blows

Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 2 - Attack of the Medical Acronyms

Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 3 - The Inflammation Wars 

Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 4 - Going To The Gym (A New Hope)

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Doomsday: The Day After Nothing Went POOF

Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we: For such as we are of, such we be.

- William Shakespeare

Well, it seems as if following the warnings of 'End Times', we are all still here. In fact, the only things that went 'POOF' yesterday were my popcorn maker and Harold Camping's false prophecy of Judgment Day ... again. Yes, he pulled this back in 1994, too. But hey, I guess the media would prefer we not buy into that old saying 'once a joke, twice a dope'. News ratings were up, twits twittered and tweeted their brains out on Twitter, and all in all a good time was had by all, except perhaps for the new age Mayans who are still holding out for the apocalypse on Dec. 12, 2012.

Nevertheless, let's be honest: as you nodded and laughed with the skeptics, how many of you worrywarts with sweaty palms and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) clenched your butt cheeks together while you feigned smiles and expelled hearty guffaws that would put Santa Clause to shame? Yes, in the comforting isolation of your own homes, how much hand writhing and skin shedding was really going on?

Face it. I'd imagine there were a fair number of people with conflicting feelings on the whole doomsday phenomenon. In psychological terms, this is what's known as cognitive dissonance. As Wikipedia defines it, it's that "uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously". Passive-aggressive types know all about cognitive dissonance. For those who are guilt laden for one reason or another, this cognitive disequilibrium prevents them from ever really enjoying anything in life. It's a shame, too, because some of those 'if the world ended today' jokes and #endoftheworldconfessions tweets were a hoot!

Cognitive dissonance raises it's ugly head in other areas of life, too. There's a phenomenon known as 'buyer's remorse', for example. Poor souls exhibiting such behavior are often found spending all Sunday at the mall herniating their wallets, and then wasting most of Monday waiting in customer service lines trying to return everything ... except for those corn removers and that pair of kinky boxer shorts with the vibrating elephant trunk.

Why is self delusion and denial still alive in 2011? While "nothing much to speak of" spread across the datelines yesterday, some twits were still tweeting about Y2K. Lord! Talk about hold outs! It's been 11 years since the Millennium and I get the feeling that there are some zealots out there who steadfastly continue to set their computers back a year each December.

Yes, zealots, and especially Bible thumpers, die hard. In the face of ridicule, they stand behind their beliefs and convictions. And, in some twisted way, as they hold their 'the end is nigh' signs, they exhume confidence - a trait we all value and aspire to attain. They look you straight in the face with spinning eyes and furrowed brows and have no bones in decreeing you're going to hell. Moreover, doing so brings them bliss and peace of mind - two other elusive states we all desire.

So, perhaps there is something to be learned from all this doomsday talk. Perhaps we should reexamine our belief systems and the conventions we hold so dear, while we seek ways of addressing our individual and collective human frailties.

Of course, if you really bit into this doomsday fairy tale and are less willing to eat crow, I guess you could maintain that no one was saved, nor was anyone raptured or enraptured ... and that come doomsday, October 21st you will have the last laugh ... briefly, before you go 'POOF'.

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PS. Thanks for reading: Did you spend Judgment Day mulling over the state of humanity? Were you planning on singing with the angels or playing cards with the sinners as we wait for the NFL lockout to end? Are you still holding out for 2012, or are you just trying to hold onto your sanity? Let me know. I'm a good listener and won't judge you. Really.

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Doomsday: Wop Bop Baloo Bop A Wop Bam BOOM!

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me

- The Doors

Hark thee heathens! I've been told that this will be my final post, especially since I probably won't be able to post again until after May 21st, the advent of 'End Times'. Oh, you haven't heard? May 21st is Judgement Day. The doomsayers want you to trust that this time they have done the math. OK, but don't panic because it won't really be the end of the world, at least not yet; that won't come for some five months. Yes, the end of the world, and technically speaking the entire universe, will come to an end on October 21st. Mark that day on your caledar for the foremost forecast is for fire, lots of fire... the 'hell on Earth' kind.

Now in all honesty, I really don't want to make light of some folk's fervent beliefs, but I do have to admit that in terms of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic prophecies a lot of us have been there and done that already. Many a false prophecy has come and gone, and many a bible thumper cum humper has reset his abascus and cancelled his Ebay listings.

This year's doom and gloom events are interesting though; Judgement day just happens to fall on Armed Forces Day, while doomsday in October happens to coincide with International Babbling Day (tip: send your e-cards early this year). I guess this conjunction is particularly auspicious because at least for a short time, there will actually be something to babble about ... that is before everyone shuts up permanently.

For the last few weeks, I've polled various people, both sinners and saints, for their opinions on this dark matter. Most have offered a dismissive albeit nervous laugh at the prophecy. Some feigned ignorance (as if that was ever really an excuse). My 'significant other' is a bit nervous about all this doomsday talk. In fact, she's uncomfortable with people joking about it because, while I doubt she actually believes in the prophecy, she must be thinking 'what if' and 'if so' then 'better safe than sorry'. As for me, well let's just say that over the years, enough people have told me to 'go to hell', so I guess I'm used to this type of metaphysical conundrum.

Now orginally for this post, I thought a bit of triagulation or a comparative analysis of various religious beliefs might be in order. Then again, I thought, what's the point? There are a plethora of religions I don't subscribe to that suggest that, as such, I won't be saved. So, I figure why bother with statitical justification for the obvious?

Nevertheless, there's one thing I know for certain: death is no laughing matter. Death will make a believer out of even the most zealous aetheist, but by that time it will be too late. Yes, death really sucks. It's permanence goes on 'ad infinitum' ... and trust me, that's a really really long time!

Yes, I know these are photos of atom bombs.

Amazingly, I've never really come to terms with our mortality. In fact, I think the atheist view of death is pretty much a downer. At least most religious fanatics talk of kingdom come or reincarnation, though in the latter case, I've never really been sure what's worse: the certainty and infinity of death, or the idea that we may have to come back and do 12 years of school again.

Anyway, so what are we supposed to do in the face of pending natural or in this case supernatural disaster? Here's an idea: in Florida, when a hurricane approaches, native Floridians, like me, tend to throw hurricane parties. These are festive events at which beer and duct tape toting inebriates attempt to stare down these tropical menaces eye to eye (of the storm) and toast their fate and fortune (read: home owner's insurance) or lack thereof (read: home owner's insurance). Somone can play the fiddle while Rome and the rest of the world burns. Ok, ok! It was just a suggestion. What did you expect from a heathen, genuflectuation or a pot luck flogging 'free for all'?

Perhaps there is a deeply instrinsic humanistic message to be gleaned from such doomsday prophecies, even if they don't come to pass. Maybe we should all be a bit kinder to each other. Maybe we should learn to forgive and forget, turn the other cheek and live and let live. Maybe we should learn to love unconditionally, stop taking our existence for granted, and cast a prayer or two heavenward for our fellow neighbor. On the other hand, on May and October 21st, maybe we should just throw one heck of a wicked hurricane party and, as Jim Morrison suggested, get our kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames.

Well, I guess for those of us who won't be enraptured and saved this Saturday, there is a certain solace in knowing that all the people who would have said "I told you so!" will be gone, and that there will still be lots of other people around moaning and groaning for five months about the NFL lockout, doomsday, prefabricated bomb shelters, and really really strong sunscreen. And well, that's probably good because, as I always say, misery loves company.

PS. Thanks for reading. Are you scared of dying or are you just dying to know one way or the other? Are you really worried about doomsday, or are you fairly certain you're on heaven's 'A' list? Either way, let me know.


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