Doomsday: The Day After Nothing Went POOF

Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we: For such as we are of, such we be.

- William Shakespeare

Well, it seems as if following the warnings of 'End Times', we are all still here. In fact, the only things that went 'POOF' yesterday were my popcorn maker and Harold Camping's false prophecy of Judgment Day ... again. Yes, he pulled this back in 1994, too. But hey, I guess the media would prefer we not buy into that old saying 'once a joke, twice a dope'. News ratings were up, twits twittered and tweeted their brains out on Twitter, and all in all a good time was had by all, except perhaps for the new age Mayans who are still holding out for the apocalypse on Dec. 12, 2012.

Nevertheless, let's be honest: as you nodded and laughed with the skeptics, how many of you worrywarts with sweaty palms and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) clenched your butt cheeks together while you feigned smiles and expelled hearty guffaws that would put Santa Clause to shame? Yes, in the comforting isolation of your own homes, how much hand writhing and skin shedding was really going on?

Face it. I'd imagine there were a fair number of people with conflicting feelings on the whole doomsday phenomenon. In psychological terms, this is what's known as cognitive dissonance. As Wikipedia defines it, it's that "uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously". Passive-aggressive types know all about cognitive dissonance. For those who are guilt laden for one reason or another, this cognitive disequilibrium prevents them from ever really enjoying anything in life. It's a shame, too, because some of those 'if the world ended today' jokes and #endoftheworldconfessions tweets were a hoot!

Cognitive dissonance raises it's ugly head in other areas of life, too. There's a phenomenon known as 'buyer's remorse', for example. Poor souls exhibiting such behavior are often found spending all Sunday at the mall herniating their wallets, and then wasting most of Monday waiting in customer service lines trying to return everything ... except for those corn removers and that pair of kinky boxer shorts with the vibrating elephant trunk.

Why is self delusion and denial still alive in 2011? While "nothing much to speak of" spread across the datelines yesterday, some twits were still tweeting about Y2K. Lord! Talk about hold outs! It's been 11 years since the Millennium and I get the feeling that there are some zealots out there who steadfastly continue to set their computers back a year each December.

Yes, zealots, and especially Bible thumpers, die hard. In the face of ridicule, they stand behind their beliefs and convictions. And, in some twisted way, as they hold their 'the end is nigh' signs, they exhume confidence - a trait we all value and aspire to attain. They look you straight in the face with spinning eyes and furrowed brows and have no bones in decreeing you're going to hell. Moreover, doing so brings them bliss and peace of mind - two other elusive states we all desire.

So, perhaps there is something to be learned from all this doomsday talk. Perhaps we should reexamine our belief systems and the conventions we hold so dear, while we seek ways of addressing our individual and collective human frailties.

Of course, if you really bit into this doomsday fairy tale and are less willing to eat crow, I guess you could maintain that no one was saved, nor was anyone raptured or enraptured ... and that come doomsday, October 21st you will have the last laugh ... briefly, before you go 'POOF'.

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PS. Thanks for reading: Did you spend Judgment Day mulling over the state of humanity? Were you planning on singing with the angels or playing cards with the sinners as we wait for the NFL lockout to end? Are you still holding out for 2012, or are you just trying to hold onto your sanity? Let me know. I'm a good listener and won't judge you. Really.

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Doomsday: Wop Bop Baloo Bop A Wop Bam BOOM!

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me

- The Doors

Hark thee heathens! I've been told that this will be my final post, especially since I probably won't be able to post again until after May 21st, the advent of 'End Times'. Oh, you haven't heard? May 21st is Judgement Day. The doomsayers want you to trust that this time they have done the math. OK, but don't panic because it won't really be the end of the world, at least not yet; that won't come for some five months. Yes, the end of the world, and technically speaking the entire universe, will come to an end on October 21st. Mark that day on your caledar for the foremost forecast is for fire, lots of fire... the 'hell on Earth' kind.

Now in all honesty, I really don't want to make light of some folk's fervent beliefs, but I do have to admit that in terms of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic prophecies a lot of us have been there and done that already. Many a false prophecy has come and gone, and many a bible thumper cum humper has reset his abascus and cancelled his Ebay listings.

This year's doom and gloom events are interesting though; Judgement day just happens to fall on Armed Forces Day, while doomsday in October happens to coincide with International Babbling Day (tip: send your e-cards early this year). I guess this conjunction is particularly auspicious because at least for a short time, there will actually be something to babble about ... that is before everyone shuts up permanently.

For the last few weeks, I've polled various people, both sinners and saints, for their opinions on this dark matter. Most have offered a dismissive albeit nervous laugh at the prophecy. Some feigned ignorance (as if that was ever really an excuse). My 'significant other' is a bit nervous about all this doomsday talk. In fact, she's uncomfortable with people joking about it because, while I doubt she actually believes in the prophecy, she must be thinking 'what if' and 'if so' then 'better safe than sorry'. As for me, well let's just say that over the years, enough people have told me to 'go to hell', so I guess I'm used to this type of metaphysical conundrum.

Now orginally for this post, I thought a bit of triagulation or a comparative analysis of various religious beliefs might be in order. Then again, I thought, what's the point? There are a plethora of religions I don't subscribe to that suggest that, as such, I won't be saved. So, I figure why bother with statitical justification for the obvious?

Nevertheless, there's one thing I know for certain: death is no laughing matter. Death will make a believer out of even the most zealous aetheist, but by that time it will be too late. Yes, death really sucks. It's permanence goes on 'ad infinitum' ... and trust me, that's a really really long time!

Yes, I know these are photos of atom bombs.

Amazingly, I've never really come to terms with our mortality. In fact, I think the atheist view of death is pretty much a downer. At least most religious fanatics talk of kingdom come or reincarnation, though in the latter case, I've never really been sure what's worse: the certainty and infinity of death, or the idea that we may have to come back and do 12 years of school again.

Anyway, so what are we supposed to do in the face of pending natural or in this case supernatural disaster? Here's an idea: in Florida, when a hurricane approaches, native Floridians, like me, tend to throw hurricane parties. These are festive events at which beer and duct tape toting inebriates attempt to stare down these tropical menaces eye to eye (of the storm) and toast their fate and fortune (read: home owner's insurance) or lack thereof (read: home owner's insurance). Somone can play the fiddle while Rome and the rest of the world burns. Ok, ok! It was just a suggestion. What did you expect from a heathen, genuflectuation or a pot luck flogging 'free for all'?

Perhaps there is a deeply instrinsic humanistic message to be gleaned from such doomsday prophecies, even if they don't come to pass. Maybe we should all be a bit kinder to each other. Maybe we should learn to forgive and forget, turn the other cheek and live and let live. Maybe we should learn to love unconditionally, stop taking our existence for granted, and cast a prayer or two heavenward for our fellow neighbor. On the other hand, on May and October 21st, maybe we should just throw one heck of a wicked hurricane party and, as Jim Morrison suggested, get our kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames.

Well, I guess for those of us who won't be enraptured and saved this Saturday, there is a certain solace in knowing that all the people who would have said "I told you so!" will be gone, and that there will still be lots of other people around moaning and groaning for five months about the NFL lockout, doomsday, prefabricated bomb shelters, and really really strong sunscreen. And well, that's probably good because, as I always say, misery loves company.

PS. Thanks for reading. Are you scared of dying or are you just dying to know one way or the other? Are you really worried about doomsday, or are you fairly certain you're on heaven's 'A' list? Either way, let me know.


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