Relieving Yourself In The Face Of Solemnity

Lay down all thought

Surrender to the void
It is shining
It is shining
- John Lennon (Tomorrow Never Knows)

I used to believe that each day I knew all there ever was to know. The next day, I would learn a few more things and marvel at how stupid I was the day before. That's the way it is with life. Each day brings new possibilities, new hopes, new dreams and, of course, fresh concerns. Balancing the 'yings' and 'yangs' of our existence can leave us dumbfounded as we existentially grope around in our subconscious for our minds to hang our 'sense of being' and self-worth on.

For many, juggling the psychic apparatus of their various cognitive and psychological states is serious business, and good business for many institutions come circus barkers. It's really something to meditate on.

Nevertheless, I've never been much of a meditator. In fact, I'm much too full of myself for the practice and balk at any idealistic isms that preach self-nullification. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, but for many years, I felt as if I was my own best friend. Alone with my thoughts which I could never really share, I'd entertain myself and find ways to make myself smile. I never heard voices in my head, though I would occasionally talk to myself.

That being said, I have read much about meditation. I've done the breathing and focus-defocus exercises always coming to realization that I was trying much too hard and therefore becoming a burden to my efforts. It's easy to distract yourself with your 'self' as your self can't help but get in the way. It's easy to miss the forest for the trees ... when you are a tree. And perhaps that's really the whole point of it ... to accept yourself for who you really are.

Honestly, if one was happy with oneself, why would one want to lose oneself in a crowd? If we are happy with who we are, then how could we not look in the mirror and smile? An exercise I do each day, sort of my own special daily affirmation, is too look in the bathroom and feign a constipated expression. It always cracks me up, and for a few seconds each day the stress of all that was and all that is yet to be shatter from the moment and fall to the ground.

So how do you distract yourself from distraction? Some would say by training yourself to get lost in the moment. This a far cry from suggesting we lose our minds. Even former vice-president Dan Quayle misquoted "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." I would wholeheartedly agree, if I knew he knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, he doesn't ... or rather didn't, so the point is moot.

What I do know is that when we lower our guard, demand less and have fewer expectations we are more apt to really enjoy any given moment. I can't vouch for living fully in each moment, because that sounds a bit too wide-eyed and pollyanish for my taste. Sorry, but it's just not in my nature to prance or frolic. Still, I firmly believe that freeing yourself from the gravity of some moments seems doable.

Still, brazenly relieving yourself in the face of solemnity will most definitely ruffle the britches of the hand-writhing and hard-washing rank and file. Some will encourage we be all that we can be. Others will admonish us to lose all sense of independent existence. In both cases, these 'powers that be' surreptitiously suggest that we surrender ourselves, not so much to a void, but to their will. In marketing, this is known as the old 'switch and bait' ploy.

There are many who are seeking a spiritual state of mind. This is a mistake. It's our minds that get in the way of the manifestation of a spiritual state. I'd suggest it's easier to shoot for achieving a spiritual state of 'spirit'. Now defining spirituality is a matter for another post, but trust me I can can definitely propose the following advice: raise your spirits and your mind will follow.

--------------------------------
Suggested Reading:

Whose Shoes Are These? (An Introspective Question)

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
- Dr. Seuss


Hang on for a second ...

An easy question to ask concerns how often you find yourself having to justify yourself to others. A harder question, and one I might suggest may be much more important, is how often you find 'others' having to justify themselves to you?

I just want to say ...

Do everyday conversations you have with others feel like losing battles 'you must' win? Does social banter take on the sensation that it's taking place with a fast-taking salesman on a used car lot? When speaking with others, are you simultaneously carrying on a conversation with that 'inner voice' talking in your head? Indeed, it often feels like there are so many questions and so little time. And, by the time you are ready to make your point, the conversation has already ended.

Let me just tell you something ...

For many, such situations are a daily phenomenon that ultimately lead to yet another blow to their self-esteem. Each daily interaction with others becomes a psychometric test of their self-worth, more often than not surrendering the same feeling of futility they have grown accustom to. Rather than questioning the value and certainty of the world around them, they seem hell-bent on devaluing themselves.

No. You've got it backwards, so let me explain ...

When the 'shoe is on the foot' in our lives, we tend to notice because something just doesn't feel right. In times of mental anguish, we seem to be hard-wired with a bit of genetic coding that runs a self-diagnostic sub-routine that checks for 'broken code'. Depending on the individual and his or her self-perception, this process of introspection usually yields one of two results. In some, a resounding “I'm OK” conclusion explodes in their consciousness, and life goes on. In others however, a form of overload manifests causing a cascading chain of self-destructive implosions rendering the individual … stifled. This latter individual, flogging himself as he moves to the side of the road, eventually breaks down into a quivering mass of self-questioning defeatism.

Can I get a word in edgewise?

When it's time to play the 'blame game', one's passiveness turns aggressive. The desire to throw the heavy yoke from one's back is a halfhearted and bitter affair. Shades of the 'garbage in, garbage out' mantra' are heard. “I'm having a hard time of late digging myself out of a hole I've dug for myself some years ago. You want to know why? Because my hole is really at the bottom of a much larger hole that was dug for me by others long ago.”

If you could just wait, please ...

Meanwhile they keep digging under the delusion that the answer to all their problems lies at the end of the deep and dark shaft they have hurled themselves into. They valiantly hope to find that what's upside down in their lives, may in fact become right side up at the end of their struggle. So, they keep digging and banging their heads on the walls around them as they sink lower and lower into the abyss.

Let me interject ...

Yes, some people think that their problems are sort of like the Earth. If they dig down far enough eventually they will find that what's down is up. Of course, this is a poor analogy because way before they reach 'China' they will invariably fry themselves silly in our planet's molten core (13000°F). Yes, people like this tend to miss the big picture, and it's the 'little things' they miss that ultimately will be their undoing. Coincidentally, did you hear about the man who tried to walk around the world? He drowned.

Can I just finish, please?

Sometimes, being able to see the 'big picture' simply means viewing it from another angle, and yes it is generally true that there are many angles to all things in life. While we can't turn our heads completely around, we can at least 'turn the other cheek' especially in regard to ourselves. To be honest, even a 90 or 180 degree turn may be all that's needed to give ourselves a different spin on things. But first, we need to remove the blinders we have grown so comfortable wearing, especially if we want to catch the 'first ray of the new rising sun' in our lives.

Let's cut to the chase ...

Yes, the sun can shine out your ass, too. However, first you must learn to embrace and love yourself. Put an end to all the self-questioning and self-doubting you humiliate yourself with. Accept yourself for who you are and stop seeking justification from within, and especially from others. In fact, if you find others having to justify themselves to you, I'd argue that's probably a good thing. Indeed, the shoe IS on the other foot. Wear it proudly.

Suggested Reading:


Suggested Listening:

Grievously Lost In The Political Dialogue

I was doing time in the universal mind. I was feeling fine. 
I was turning keys, I was setting people free. 
I was doing all right. 
Then you came along, with a suitcase and a song. Turned my head around. 
Now I'm so alone, just looking for a home in every place I see. 
I'm the freedom man. That's how lucky I am. 

- The Doors, Universal Mind 

Suffice it to say that I am my own worst enemy. “Don't discuss sports, politics or religion”, I've often been told over and over by those who espouse mediocrity in the name of gaining more followers and building readership. “Stay away from socially sensitive topics”, I've been admonished. “Tell your story”, I've been told. “Fair enough”, I've answered, yielding a pensive pregnant pause, a harbinger of rebuttal. "However", the boom is lowered, "as the conversations of my life manifest on a daily basis, and I seem to exist on a day to day basis”, I smile, “then all I can really do is share with you all how twisted some of these conversations are." Yes, it's easy to get lost in the discussion, and in my doing so you will learn volumes about who I am. "So let's start with politics" he says as a groan is heard escaping somewhere from the bowels of a 'platitude' just north of hell.

It's difficult to know where the conversation began. Most likely I pissed someone off as usual merely because I stated my opinion, which to be honest was probably more an exercise of my playing the devil's advocate than my speaking from the depths of my own conviction. Nevertheless, despite my incessant 'teasing the cat with a bit of string' at some point my feelings in earnest do tend rise to the fore, meeting the occasion head on. Now mind you, I'm not a politician, nor am I really a student of politics. But I do know where I stand and on what soapbox my heart bleeds. There are some issues over which I become incensed, inflamed, stupefied, and just down right outraged … but never indignant.

This particular conversation occurred between 'Heart Bleeder' and 'Freedom Man', the former a so called Liberal, the latter a self-possessed Libertarian. Now, I do have a bone to pick with Libertarians, especially the ones who claim 'liberty and freedom' and apparently suggest that they know what the framers of the constitution originally had in mind, which is apparently what we all seem to have forgotten over the years. Yeah, I almost forgot they 'love them some guns' and think that in a true free market, a little hamburger shack opened in a formerly abandoned 'Fotomat' booth will be able to compete with McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s. In other words, they don't have a clue, but celebrate their right to live in denial anyway.

The conversation is joined already in progress. Trust me, you haven't missed much...

Freedom Man:

So the question is for whose benefit will said regulations and statutes in reality be composed, especially given the fact that they are written by politicians beholden to Big Business?

Heart Bleeder:

If you are answering your own question, what's the point in asking? Still, the obvious answer is to dispense with 'Big Business' and its corruptive influence and power.

Freedom Man:
Ah ... no. You see the answer is to dispense with 'Big Government'. You see, we've got to get rid of those corrupt politicians.

Heart Bleeder:

Hang on, you said it yourself that it's big business that's corrupting the politicians. I mean come on, if the fridge stinks because of some rotten fish, you don't throw the fridge out and keep the rotten fish!

Freedom Man:
But it's big business that produced the refrigerator that government taxed when you purchased it. Sales tax, for example, is tantamount to a 'protection payment' place on merchants by the 'powers that be' who want to usurp power from the free market system in the hope that ...

Heart Bleeder:
(Interrupting) Whoa! What are you banging on the gong about now? We're not talking about sales tax, we're talking about 'big business' and its destructive influence.

Freedom Man:

Of course! You know back in time it was federal interference in the economy that brought about the 'robber baron' age ...

Heart Bleeder:

WTF? (rolling eyes)

Freedom Man:

... and wouldn't agree that the concentration of wealth in the hands of the few has gotten more pronounced the last several years, especially as 'Uncle Sam' has gotten more intrusive and abusive?

Heart Bleeder:

Ok, you're like derailing this conversation. It's almost as if you're giving a monologue here ... so let me lay one on you.

The problem is not government; the problem is big business, as you suggested yourself. Everyone, regardless of where they stand on the political spectrum, knows where the problem lies. But still, there are people like you with political pundits of their own personal agendas who continue to skirt the issue and attempt to change the dialogue in favor of a misguided allegiance to a false ideology of what 'liberty' and 'freedom' is really about in the 21st century. (It's OK to pause to catch your breath if you're reading out loud.)

There are many reasons why the vast majority of Americans dismiss the dialogue of Libertarian rhetoric, least of all because its irrelevant. As I mentioned before, everyone knows the stink is coming from the 'rotten fish' in the fridge, not the fridge itself... so stop talking about the fridge! Seriously, you need to get with the program.

Freedom Man:

(Pregnant pause) What I would suggest is that the history of 'reformist attempts' shows that the only realistic way to reduce corruption is to reduce the number of functions government is allowed to engage in.

Heart Bleeder:
(A game show buzzer is heard) NO. The obvious solution is not to let big business have free reign. History has proven time and time again how allowing big business to snowball economic power eventually places a stranglehold on consumers, if not killing them outright - as exhibited with the tobacco and health insurance rackets. This is pretty much the reason why the Interstate Commerce Commission (ICC) initially came into play, to prevent 'big business' from crippling the nation and stunting its development.

Freedom Man:

Well, big business created 'big government' for it's own  purposes that were hidden behind the false advertising that it was really about protecting the people. You have to concede that even anti-trust laws currently bring about the opposite of what they say and actually aggregate more monopoly power to fewer corporations. This is why it's imperative we reduce government, so that our interests are protected.

Heart Bleeder:

Uh, are you kidding me? Lord, our government is pretty much the only avenue of power 'we the people' have left in the face of big business. And you want to reduce it? Are you kidding me? You want to give your power to the very corporations that have systematically destroyed this country and its citizens in the name of profit? You must be joking! For crying out loud, the answer to all of the country’s problems is not 'reducing government'. If the libertarian movement is to survive, it's going to have to be more than a one-trick pony, and certainly learn how to sing more than one tune.

Freedom Man:

Your grammar is difficult to follow and your analogies don't seem to make much sense. It sounds like you're saying that government's role is to protect consumers from corporations. You obviously have a fragmented understanding of the nature of government. (A smug smirk follows as he sniffs the air around him)

Heart Bleeder:

Attacking me doesn't address the point you are obviously trying to confuse. The fact is that 'big business' is killing us all! Insurance companies, tobacco, pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, beverage and fast food interests alike are all in it together. Hey, do you remember this? "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" Those words on Lady Liberty have to stand for more than just a sales pitch for McDonald’s, Walmart, Allstate, Ford and Shell Oil. Uncle Sam needs to take care of his own and stop setting a poor example for the rest of the world by placing more value on 'business interests' than on people.

Freedom Man:

The government turned over control to the business concerns you mentioned long ago. Moreover, the truth is that in a truly free market system you would not have such mega-corporations (nervous deep breath) because they are created by government and get special privileges from the government. Blaming the free market for 'big business' is akin to blaming dieting for obesity.

Heart Bleeder:

I see, so this is a case of 'let's blame the victim'. A business by any definition is an artificial entity, and as such it requires resources on which to thrive, just like real folks do. Invariably, it is prone to the same laws of 'survival of the fittest', with or without the government's assistance. Isn't this the reason why anti-monopoly laws were enacted in the first place, to protect the illusion of free enterprise? Are you suggesting that the government cares more about protecting free enterprise than its citizens? A truly free market eventually fosters cut throat competition which kills markets, increases unemployment and lowers the standard of living for all. Are you kidding me?

Freedom Man:
It sounds more like you are saying that you don't feel fit to survive in a state of freedom and you feel you need a strong man to protect you for your lack of capacity. Competition assures that businesses will strive to put forward the best quality products to meet consumer demand in order to survive.

Heart Bleeder:

(Sarcastic) Of course! It's not mega-corporations that are price gouging or engaging in puffery and false advertising practices just to dupe us into separating us from our disposable income. Heavens no! Get real!

In the real world, survival of the fittest means killing your competition at all costs. It has nothing to do with producing high quality products, which is exactly why outsourcing thrives to the detriment of US employees. Of course this is also why child and slave labor still exists in other parts of the world, to support US 'NeoCon' business interests. But of course, we can feign denial and plea ignorance (read: Walmart). Products today, such as electronics, are low quality and not built to last. They are built long enough to outlast short term warranties, or the release of the next 'bigger, better, and more expensive' line of the product … just so we can keep plunking down our cash for more of the same crap.

Freedom Man:

(apioplectically speaking with eyes spinning) Let's keep this debate focused! If a monopoly is not fit to survive in a free market, it will merely enable its 'government monopoly corporation of force' to compel millions of people to purchase products and services they do not want. As long as business can use government to grant privileges and bailouts, as well as regulate 'small business' into oblivion, then you will have poor products produced by slave labor. It's only through government that these horrible things are possible to an extreme extent. Government is merely a projection of 'survival of the fittest' ... or fattest ... via legitimized monopoly of deadly force. Government only magnifies this survival thing to it's genocidal conclusion in the end.

Heart Bleeder:
Which is why of course you 'love you some guns'! Look, I agree with you in regards to regulating small business and some professions into oblivion, but I think you underestimate the lengths people and business owners will go to survive. We shouldn't need the government to protect us from ourselves, and by the same token, we shouldn't need guns to protect us from 'the powers that be' that we elected in the first place to protect our interests and livelihoods. Explain why states of Marshall Law are imposed when natural disasters occur within our own borders. Explain why inside trading and corporate espionage exists on Wall Street. Explain why laws governing child labor are so necessary within our borders. Explain why bans on smoking are prevalent? There's certainly a lot to explain in the United States of America, murder and crime capital of the world.

Freedom Man:
It is naive to think that the people we elect are in it for our interests. We cannot elect people to protect us from ourselves because those people we elect are just as bad as us, and they are granted legal power to use force against other people. Where is the logic? Martial law in disasters is a new thing in history. People can recover and go on without martial law during hardship. It's all just about teaching people to be dependent. The corporate power stuff happens because of it's merger with state power and it's corrupt courts and agencies of greedy self serving people just like us, but with the monopoly of force. You're worried about monopolies, but I'll ask you the following: if there were no government involved in business at all, how big can a business get?

There will always be bad people, but hiding behind the force of state is far worse than any of these things you mentioned. We are required and expected to learn from experience to take care of themselves and see truth from lies. We aren't supposed to remain in a helpless childish victim state all our lives. It's a shame that you zealously exhibit blind faith in authority with absolutely no knowledge of anything you are speaking about! Your constant self contradiction makes me suspect you are an ADL sock puppet. Who the hell do you think you are?

Heart Bleeder:
ADL sock puppet? Oh for Pete's sake. Let me tell you who I am...

The conversation fades out ad nauseum ...

So inevitably, the question comes down to who I am or what I am. So I'll tell you ... what I am is the most horrid nightmare: one of those of free-thinking Americans that can't be pigeon holed, duped, talked down to, brain washed, zombified, pegged, labeled, or humbled with faux logic and brow beaten. I am the indignant enigma that refuses to conform to your expectations. I am the devil's advocate incarnate and the logical and illogical that anyone with political aspirations needs to learn how to address. I am part self-interest and part humanitarian. I am who I am and of my own mind and I refuse to have games forced on me or to abide by the rules of mind-games thrust upon me. I am the disenfranchised, disgruntled, and both the dissociated and dissasociated.

Yes, I am not who you think I am, and that's an important consideration because most of what was discussed here in terms of politics seems aimed at either (a) preaching to the choir or (b) presupposing a certain mindset. I think if one is to promote political prose, especially in terms of convincing the masses one way or the other, there has to be greater consideration of varying, and often contradicting opinions since obviously the political scale no longer exists in 2 dimensions.

Who am I? You can call me an idiot .... but well, that would just be name calling and wouldn't win my vote. Anyway, I believe that people are best left to make up their own minds. You do agree, don't you?

Suggested Reading:

 

Suggested Listening:

'The Anarchist Orchestra'

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It's Me! Really! (and other notions of authenticity)

Hang on to your ego
Hang on, but I know that you're gonna lose the fight
- Brain Wilson

I've come to the conclusion that everyone 'needs help'. Of course, this last statement can be taken in a number ways. Be that as it may, my focus in this post ... the point I'd like to make ... the crux of the issue is that there are many people out there, and bloggers in particular, that are desperately trying very hard to be themselves, but just can't fake it.

That's right, I said 'fake it'. It seems a running topic on several blogs I've come across is 'authenticity' and its definition or application, assuming there is such a thing. I imagine this is a big issue because so much of our society's feeble mindedness stems from the media 'selling' us almost everything. As a consequence, consumers, assuming there really is such a thing anymore, have become naturally distrustful in an effort to mask thier gullability and penchant for 'rubber necking'.

For many, there is a war on. Some are trying very hard to simply be themselves, despite the fact that they are often met with quizzical faces or outright apathy. Then, there are others who yearn to evolve and embrace 'real' change in their lives. Telling the latter to 'just be yourself' may very well represent an affront to their sensitivities. The rest of combatants in this war, and most likely the clear majority, are those who are very busy lobbing advice telling everyone else what they should be, what they should think, how they should act, and of course, what they should buy. These purveyors of expectations often begin their assault with the words “I'll be honest with you...”, also implying that normally they would be less than ingenuous. Critical thinkers take note!

But I just want to be myself.....

So what is authenticity? Without waxing too poetic, I'd suggest that it is an attribute that can only exist in the eye of the beholder. It really has nothing to do with 'you being you'. So my advice is stop trying so hard. In fact, many would suggest if you have to try so hard at being something, you probably aren't in the first place. As I've said many times before concerning 'defying expectations', I think it's more important we get on with life than spend so much time worrying about 'what others think'.

Being 'you' should come naturally, if you don't engage in acts of self-censorship and self-repression, or cowtow to the whims and expectations of others. The words of Dr. Seuss still ring true, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Lastly, if and when you are met with bogus claims of your being two-faced, it would be wise to remember the words of Abraham Lincoln who respsonded “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

--------------------------------------------
PS. Thanks for reading. Are you worried about who you are and how others perceives you ... or are you just really into yourself? Let me know by commenting below.


Blogs that inspired this post:

Brian Clark / Copyblogger: Why People Don’t Want the“Real” You
Todd Pillars: Why the talk about being Authentic all of a sudden?

Suggested Reading:

    


Suggested Listening:

Better A Living Dog Than A Dead Lion

Acting is the expression of a neurotic impulse. It's a bum's life. Quitting acting, that's the sign of maturity. - Marlon Brando

Preface:
The following is not a conversation. It is an introspective monologue with accompanying commentary, perhaps spoken by a chorus, a collective I'll call 'Rael'. If you can figure out who the 'Id' is, you'll understand at least half the story.

They say that discretion is the better part of valor. They also say that “the discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression (Proverbs 19:11). Actually, they say a lot of things, but these days, I try hard not to listen anymore, and in the end, I'm glad that I have forgotten probably more than I ever knew.

Id:
Once upon a time there was me. Some years later I was taken away from whom I was in order to live a life I did not choose, or want.

Rael:
Choice is an illusion. Your path was chosen for you long before you were even born. In fact, it's in your blood to be who you are supposed to be. As far as 'wants' are concerned, you need not want for anything, for wants will be your downfall.

Id:
In fact, it was less a life, and more an existence. I say 'existence' in that I was existing, but it really wasn't a life, at least not the one I had previously imagined for myself.

Rael:
Children have limited capacities to understand the true meaning of life or to understand responsibility, which is why they are exempt from keeping the commandments. Children are easily led astray and must therefore be educated in all things proper.

Id:
When I was young, I was very self aware of the world around me. I had a very clear definition of who I was and what was important to me. I was very in tune to the world around me, and I don't mean my immediate surroundings, I mean current affairs, social issues, and even to a certain extent various ideologies of the times, some of which I embraced. I was very fascinated by TV. It was a conduit to all that makes us human in terms of art, culture, and knowledge. It was also something around which our family would gather and to some extent bond.

Rael:
TV is the 'idiot box'. It is a sewer pipe into your home, bringing a cesspool of filth and perversity, all the devil's work, to corrupt your soul and deviate you from your divine providence and purpose.

Id:
It's easy to say television can be a bad influence on children, but I don't, and didn't perceive it as such. I watched things that made me smile, think and become more aware of myself and others. If anything I'd say that television was a school of sorts, bringing me an education that the traditional institutions of academia failed miserably at providing me with.

Rael:
All the knowledge you ever need is written in the scriptures.

Id:
From television I learned to dream of what I may be and what life might hold for me. It opened my eyes to possibilities beyond my front and back yards. The world, and even to some extent space and time, opened up before me with the promise that one day I might blaze a trail to distant lands and learn of different cultures.

Rael:
Your destiny is not fulfilled in the company of strangers. Stay in your own backyard.

Id:
Now at the time, my family was not religious. If anything, we were conservative, and I had no particular bones with my heritage that I had been told was a part of me ... and of who I was.

Rael:
There is no black and white in religion. Either you are orthodox or you are a sinner. There are no gray areas. Moreover, the reformed and conservative are worse off than the ignorant, for they know there is a true path, and they deny it. They willfully transgress the word of the law. I would sooner visit the church of another nation than a temple of conservatism or reformism, dens of iniquity such as they are.

Id:
As soon as I went to school and learned to read, I began reading the newspaper, daily. I began to understand that American society was in a state of flux. I understood what a non-conformist was, as well as a conscientious objector. I identified with the tenements of counter culture and anti-establishment movements, though I didn't fully appreciate what the establishment actually was. From the cancellation of the Smothers Brothers comedy hour, I learned of censorship movements and was repulsed, that such things existed in America, the 'land of the free'.

Rael:
Pray for the integrity of the government; for were it not for the fear of its authority, a man would swallow his neighbor alive.

Id:
There was very little I learned in school, except how to read and to do basic math. My parents sent me to a private school. Little did I know that the school's establishment came on the heels of the passing of desegregation laws in Miami (Dade County, Florida), and the threat of 'busing'. I didn’t put these piecse together until later, but basically my family's jump to orthodoxy was motivated in part by fear and Southern racist motivations.

Rael:
One has to go out of one's way, if need be, to circumvent houses of ill repute. If you play with dirt, you get dirty.

Id:
I learned of the plight of the American Indian, and immediately stopped playing 'Cowboys and Indians'. Instead, I dreamed of eloping with a Native American Princess. The concept of 'love' was something that had dawned on me very early. The sentiments of the 'flower children' that were so pervasively paraded and often lampooned in the mainstream media had impacted me in such a way that I yearned to 'make love' and not war … and I hadn't even hit puberty, yet!

Rael:
In your rebellion and abrogation of your blood, you allow others to lead you astray to engage in acts of abomination, or worse, idol worship. Do not be a willing participant in what is tantamount to a second silent holocaust.

Id:
I didn't know what the conflict in Vietnam was all about exactly, but I saw it on the news. I read the headlines in the newspapers and saw ink smudged pictures in which you couldn't tell corpse from foliage. I knew that young men were dying there. I knew that people, older than me, but younger than most, objected. I thought the draft was wrong. I could not fathom one fighting for ones country, but by the same token I understood that many did. I fathomed the rift in my county's demographics.

Rael:
Correction: the country of your birth. You owe no allegiance to this foreign land. The holy land of our people's forefathers beckons you still. Perhaps someday, when you return to your faith and you will emigrate there, like many before you have done. The political and social affairs of the rest of the world are of no matter to you.

Id:
But still, as fascinated as I was with the world outside my homestead, there was a much deeper calling that beckoned me, resonating throughout every fiber of my existence. A gift from a muse perhaps, or a life force emanating from the beating of my heart. A rhythmic art form of melody and harmony, tempo and texture. Truly a medium of more than just sound and silence, but rather a purveyor of consciousness, a facilitator of perception, and a means of communication. Music is and has always been something as elemental to me as water and air. For as long as I can remember, my ears were glued to a portable transistor radio. I remember aspiring to be a Beatle, or at least a Monkee.

Rael:
Manna stems from the heavens, not from the radio. Moreover, music is an expression of its composer's soul, and listening to it puts you in touch with that person's essence. Music is a medium that allows the composer's thoughts, feelings, and emotions to affect you … to touch you. When the music stems from unholy sources, it does more than simply touch you, it defiles your soul and pollutes your mind and spirit.

Id:
I don't know how young I was before I knew I wanted to play music, write songs and lyrics, and bring them to others' ears.

Rael:
Who are you to write music and speak to others? The creation of music is reserved for the pious and holy from whose writings and studies gave life to songs that inspire others to divine service. Hold your tongue and repress your foolish worldly notions. You are no one, as insignificant as a speck of dust from whence you sprang and will one day return.

Id:
Music also was an escape for me. The music of my youth was indicative of a period in my life when I was the happiest. As I grew, and my life was abducted and shackled, music would always take me back home. It is no wonder Simon & Garfunkel's 'Homeward Bound' always resonated deeply within me. After all, it was the second 45' record I had owned; the first being Johnny Cash's 'I Walk The Line'.

Rael:
You have but one savior. All else takes you away from your divine purpose, which is to serve him.

Id:
Anyway, as the liberal and dynamic sentiments, notions, and impression of the 60s mutated to those of the conservative and self-centered 70s, I too changed. I began to look to the future, and wonder what my future might be, who I was and what I might become.

Rael:
What you consider 'you' to be is what separates you from divinity. Enlightenment through self-nullification is the path to righteousness and piety. It is the devil that feeds your ego. 'You' do not matter in the total scheme of things. Walking in the ways of our teachings and heritage is the only path. 'You' are nothing and should desire only to make yourself nothing in order to serve with all your being.

Id:
Change was less than gradual. My world transmogrified into a prison of faux existence. I was not asked, I was told and expected to follow. My good nature was taken advantage of. Blind faith was demanded as a life was stolen. A yoke was placed around my hopes, dreams, aspirations, mind, … and very identity. Instead of reason, there was oppression. Instead of spirit, there was doctrine. Instead of love there was guilt and irrational torment. Instead of ethics there was a higher power... or at least interpreters of his will. Don't touch your 'pee pee' or you'll go blind.

Rael:
It is not your place to question your lot in life. Like Job, and others before him, you were being tested. You failed spectacularly.

Id:
I wasn't a rebel. I was an artist. Perhaps at times a minstrel or court jester. I was a lover, not a fighter … and thus I allowed myself to go with the flow. I did not speak up, but rather feigned obedience and took the role of the wheel that did not squeak. Oil did not follow. Instead, I was driven through crap … that took me many years to finally scrape off the bottom of my shoe. It soiled me in ways I still cannot come to terms with or forgive myself for.

Rael:
Repentance is always an option. Otherwise … you're going to hell.

Id:
No, I've already been there.

 ----------------------
PS. Thanks for reading.  Have you ever had a crisis of faith, or is your faith your crisis? It's no wonder I always say, "I used to be religious, but now I'm just happy".

Suggested Reading:

    

Suggested Listening:

I Told You I Was Trouble: Amy Winehouse RIP (1983-2011)

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,
 - Amy Winehouse, 'I'm No Good'

 He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And there's no way, in this blue shape,
My tears dry on their own.

- Amy Winehouse, 'Tears Dry On Their Own'

What the hell's the matter with you?” is a question that's often been fired at me point blank in varying contexts, by an even more varied collection of people. Parents, sibling, employers, and colleagues have all hurled this inquisitive barb in my direction. My answer? Well, in general, I'd suggest that the question is moot.

To be honest, I think it's a strange question, because more often than not, it's a question that's asked through a veil of perception that gnaws away at the inquisitors' sensitivities... or expectations. In fact, I'd argue that it's not really even a question, but more of a statement of exasperation, spoken by a chafed few who have yet to fathom that there are just some things, situations or people that they can't control in life.

For better or worse, some people have self-destructive tendencies. Maybe the term 'self-destructive' is a bit overkill in relation to some, yet on the other hand, its an understatement in relation to others. Nevertheless, in our society's ever mangling penchant to label and pigeon hold everything, terms tend to have more function than brains.

Usually, when non-conformists fail to conform, as is their nature to do so, they tend to be embraced by some and vilified by others. Ok, so it goes without saying that we can't be loved by all people, all of the time. That's a given. Regardless of who you are are or what you stand for, some people will love you and some people will hate you... even on principle! For non-conformists, this seems true to the extreme.

Yet, there are those odd occasions, when some non-conformists actually succeed in breaking through into dizzying heights of mainstream popularity, much to the dismay of their detractors' bile. When this occurs, industries spring up around such new found 'celebrities' as everyone scrambles to jump on the grandstanding bandwagon to gain purchase, or stranglehold. But wait, it's gets stranger, as an eventual realignment of sentience takes place.

Our society has a bad habit of perverting 'the unique and different' in a profane attempt to remould them in its 'socially correct' or 'fashionably sensible' image. When that fails, then at some point it is inevitable that what goes up must come down... usually in spectacular flames. Indifference sets in as interests turn to seek out 'the next big thing' and the 'haters' are let out of the closet, and into the arena, to mercilessly pick, peck, poke and point fingers, in true vulture fashion. Ok, so I know that vultures don't actually point fingers, but well ... you know what I mean.

There are those who just enjoy stating the obvious. I don't. I've written before about defying the expectations of others and of engaging in self destructive career nullifying behavior. On that note, you can pout all you want, roll your eyes, and drop your jaws to express the best alveolar click (tsk) you can muster, but how do you really respond to the following:

 - "We're just on different wavelengths."
- "We live on different planes of existence."
- "We don't see eye to eye."
- "You just don't get me."
- "I don't need your approval."
- "I don't need your help."

Yes, some people don't want your help, advice, wisdom, or good intentions. Some people just want to be left alone to do 'their thing'.

Last night, I learned that Amy Winehouse shuffled off her mortal coil. She was a phenomenally talented singer and songwriter that bridged Jazz and Soul Music … and defied our expectations, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Yes, she was troubled, she told us so ... and her death, though still unexplained as of this writing, is a tragedy. To me, one's death is tragic when you don't see it coming; it's horrific when you do.

Nevertheless, the media, eyes wide shut, has already begun to cliche ad nauseum over her initiation into the '27 Club', her life defining hit song 'Rehab', and her vices to which have already been attributed to her death, even before any facts have been revealed. But hey, that's what sells the news, right? On the CNN website, the marketing suits couldn't wait more than a paragraph into her obituary before inserting an advert to promote an upcoming episode of Dr. Drew titled “How can someone so talented be so self destructive?” Its pathetic. It's profane.

Amy Winehouse was an artist that many things to many people in life... and will continue to be as such in death. I mourn her passing, the loss of her talent, her art and her potential. Of course, there's much to be said about how she lived her life, but it's really a moot point now. So I prefer to remember her for what she left us. And yes, it's true that but for her legacy of music, no one was saved ... but I would argue, that the lives of those who were touched by her music were truly enriched.

Amy, Amy, Amy – you'll be missed for all that was and all that could've been.

PS. Thanks for reading. This is just one of those mornings, I really wish I hadn't sworn off Baileys in my morning coffee. For this post there's no questions, because the obvious 'why' thunders loudly. Here are some videos of what we lost. If you choose to see only what you want to see, then at least close your eyes and listen. Your comments, as always, are welcome.

Suggested Listening:

Suggested Reading: